Days of Sadness

I never thought i will get myself diagnosed at Polyclinic for Depression. Certified.. Was being asked to proceed to IMH immediately. Nope.. I held my step there (14/2/14) till now..

One entire sick family. But no one to help. Down with fever and bad nose, bodyache + endless and plenty of grouchy uncooperative crying baby clinging to me. Asked for The Man not to work, the reasons he gave adds it all up to my meltdowns for 2 days, crying like i had never cried before..

1. You still want me to change job meh? (Since when did i request that?!).

2. I'm more worried that bills cannot be accounted for. (I do have the worse backup plan).

3. My Co is same like ur previous Co (law firm). Manpower shortage. (So if they never increase manpower, u're forever going to backstash ur family?).

Doctor advise you NOT to work, at least your health comes first before everything. What happens if anything illness takes you away? Will your death leave behind a huge and endless sum of monies that will covered till next generation? .

THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED....

The amount of stress and the burden of a MOTHER ... is too much..

I cant cope. .

Everyone thinks, its a mum's responsibility to take charge of EVERYTHING. Yes, no doubt.

But have limitations. Not everyone will exceed their limit..

I have and DO exceeded mine..

I have meltdowns, i have breakdowns, i cried, i smoke AGAIN to remove the thin stretch of stress..

I have thought about ending it all again. Its just too much. .

The Man cannot understand. He behaves like a kid..

Thinks like a kid..

Cannot make decision..

Cannot be on his own..

From tip to toe, its must be all within my knowledge even to his shoe size, belt size. .

I'm exhausted. .

But all his has was "its all duties of being a wife".

That rewarding sentence.. Thanks..

Tml will be her last day with us.

God will take charge for caring of her on our behalf..

I pray:-

She will be in good hands.
Living without worries..
Leave with peaceful mind that all her 4th Generation is in good hands & all are being taken care of.

After Wednesday, the most painful monent & day of my life..
Everything will be gone; physically she is not around.
Emtionally; she will owaz remain within mi.

Memories is something nuttin will ever replace her with.
Nuttin can take away those moments spend with her.

I dun blame anyone for bringing her away from us.

I am grateful enuf to have her long enuf with us; to let us spend more time during her breathing days..

Her beauty and memories she had left behind, will be something that will never be forgotten.
The childhood memories; the care she had provide for me since toddler days can only be reminded through pictures and memories now..

Yes, i am sad, tearing my heart out but i dowan her to suffer longer by living with us.

This is the route to make her sufferings end.

Im Sorry, i cant even see u for the last and final journay of your life.
Your understanding and worry shall all end.

I will live on well, i promise you.

Granny, u will owaz be the closest kin of mine. Owaz . . .
I love you.